Log I: Search

When pain transcends words, the latter assume the form of vehicles fueled by angst, a pain as pure as snow, and freezing to touch. For angst is a pain unattended for far too long, craving the light of someone’s care, begging to be acknowledged as something more than a vacuous state of identifying with the unfeeling infinite. Surely, the intensity of this state further repels the easily intimidated, and the sufferer wanders on immersed in this horrifying substance, wading his way through the sludge till it flows through his very veins like a paradox of stagnation.

His eyes scaled the wall, his hand brushing against the corrugated cement covering the red bricks underneath, letting himself be overwhelmed by both a sense of accompaniment and animosity emanating from the piece of architecture separating him from the world beyond, and yet faithfully following him without a single complaint. His vision caressed the surface lovingly, for even though the sight of it filled him with dread and longing, it was the only sight he had, and he cherished it as one would a treasured possession.

He wondered why he did not react similarly to the path, why it felt so distant in spite of always being right under his feet. It made up a solid mass that held him up from falling into the void that lay to his right, the void that was a wall inverted, a wall that extended far beyond his imagination would allow, and hence filled him with pure fear – quite distinct from the solid wall to his left. He had attempted to test it once for what it was, but the experience had left him sufficiently scarred to avoid it at all costs. Not that he knew what it would feel like to be completely consumed by it, but a voice inside him, the only one that existed and spoke, warned him against it. But the ground was uneven, hard, and often too warm – the soles of his feet were covered with dried blood, which made walking easier and more difficult at the same time.

He was unsure as to why he continued walking. As far as he knew, the wall and the void were entirely static and did not make attempts to converge upon him from the sides, and he could just stay in one place. But there was an inexplicable feeling that prompted him to explore and traverse distances meaninglessly till he didn’t have to anymore. Till he could find an entity that would not inflict its existence on him, while refusing to acknowledge his own. What he was searching for was the harmony of mutual ignorance.


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